


Maybe We'll Find Better Days

by TheQuietQuill



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Depressed Louis, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, I believe?, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Character Death, No Smut, Pining, Reconciliation, Tears, Unplanned Pregnancy, because I don't know what happened in rl, idk what to call this, not really sure what canon means entirely lol, this just came to me!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 06:19:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14326431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheQuietQuill/pseuds/TheQuietQuill
Summary: “I’m sorry,” he finally says, “God, El I’m so fucking sorry.”“I know you are Lou,” Eleanor assures him, “You’re frustrated, and I don’t blame you. It’s gonna take a long time for you to sort all this out, but you will. It won’t hurt so much one day, Lou. I promise.”Thick tears well up in his eyes.It won’t hurt so much one day.God, Louis hopes that’s true. He really fucking does.Or: Louis goes through a roller-coaster in his own personal life in a span of two short years. He loses Eleanor, becomes a dad to a wonderful boy and loses his mum to cancer. Somehow, going through all this makes Louis work his way back to Eleanor(Basically Elounor from the time they broke up in 2015 to when they got back together, as told from Louis’ POV)





	Maybe We'll Find Better Days

**Author's Note:**

> HI GUYS! Here's a new piece of work I've completed in the last few weeks! I hope you all like it!   
> DISCLAIMER! I have no idea what actually went on between Louis and Eleanor and their personal lives between the time they broke up and got back together. This idea just came to me and I went with it!   
> Title is based off of song lyrics from The Goo Goo Doll's "Better Days"   
> Anyway, please read and enjoy!

 

February 2015—Australia

                Louis’ back aches from sitting on the ground too long. He’s starving, thirsty too and is just so, so fucking tired of having to go through this shit. It’s been a long night, a very long night full of hurtful words hurled at each other. There’s a broken bowl on the floor by the sliding door that leads to the outdoor deck. Louis’ management is gonna be fucking pissed when they hear about it. But he doesn’t fucking care, none of that matters—the crazy schedule, the manic fans, the music.

But he can’t leave this spot. He can’t get up from the door because if he does, if he gets up and moves into his hotel room, he’ll actually see her packing up her bags. Louis would actually see her crying, and it’s bad enough just hearing it and knowing that he’s the cause of her tears. With each sniffle, each zipper being closed he hears, Louis feels sicker, angrier.

Louis can’t get up, because this is his final stand. It’s a desperate, pathetic last stitch effort but it’s all he’s got left. 

Eleanor can’t leave him if Louis’ blocking the door.

Squeaky wheels scrap against the floor, and Louis has to face the music. His heavy eyes move up from his gaze on the floor. He’s empty, with barely anything left inside him to give. But when he sees Eleanor standing there, with her backpack slung over her shoulder, her packed suitcase beside her, and looking just as dead as he feels, Louis scrapes the bottom of the barrel and gives it one last shot.

“P-Please,” he begs, his voice fucking raw from hours of fighting and shouting at each other, “Don’t go, El.”

Eleanor’s stern face breaks, and Louis sees her lip tremble. He wants to get up, wants so badly to reach out and hug the woman he loves more than anything. But he knows she’s reject him, knows she’ll push him away again and he just can’t handle being refused again.

But Eleanor picks her head up and sighs deeply, her eyes closed, “Move, Lou.”

“Just stay,” Louis pleas again, his eyes stinging, “Just one more day, please.”

“It’s not,” Eleanor lets out a low breath, “That’s not gonna change anything Lou. We-fuck, we haven’t been in a good place for months. You knew this was coming.”

Louis scoffs bitterly, “And you seem all too eager to walk out.”

“I’ve tried Lou!” Eleanor exclaims and God, Louis can’t stand her yelling anymore, “I’ve tried so fucking hard to fix us. I fly to the other side of the world because we wanted to give this another chance and it’s not working out anymore! You need to grow up and accept that we don’t work together anymore.”

“I thought you loved me,” Louis retorts flatly, glaring right through Eleanor.

Eleanor’s voice cracks, “I-I do, Lou. I love you so f-fucking much, and that’s why I have to leave. We’re just hurting each other, and I hate the idea that I’m hurting you! I’m no longer making you happy, just angry and I-” She drops her head and Louis sees her crying again.

Shit, Louis’ never thought about it that way.

Louis wanting to keep Eleanor and their tattered relationship is hurting her.

He gets up from his spot on the floor. Miraculously, Eleanor clings onto Louis when he pulls her in for a hug. She cries on his shoulder, on the same spot that hadn’t dried up from when she cried just a few hours before. Louis slips the backpack off her shoulder and it lands on the ground with a loud thud.

“Just one more day,” Louis begs again, pressing light kisses to the shell of her ear, “Just let me call you mine for a little while longer.”

Eleanor seems reluctant, but she sniffles as she nods. Louis picks her head up from his shoulder and wipes off the last few tears from her cheeks. She looks like Hell, and Louis hates that he’s the cause behind all this. He’s too selfish, too needy and he’s asked way more from Eleanor then she asked of in over the years. But it’s just—it’s a damn shame that it’s all ending like this.

It shouldn’t end in tears, and Eleanor seems to agree as her gaze shifts down to Louis’ lips.

Within seconds their kissing, heatedly and messily. All their tiredness is replaced, both revived in the final time they’ll be together. Eleanor’s hands grab at the bottom of Louis’ shirt and they break apart, so she can pull it off. She quickly shucks off her own tank top, and Louis quickly goes to kiss her chest, knowing it will be the las time he can. He unhooks her bra and Eleanor lets out a low, beautiful sigh as Louis grabs her breast in his hands roughly. The two fall onto the mattress in a heap of rushed kisses and frantic touches.

Hours later, the hotel room is somber. The high is long gone, replaced by reality. There’s a million things Louis wants to say, like how beautiful Eleanor is and how lucky he was to be her boyfriend for years. Instead, he curls his lips up to the side in a sad smile. He plays with her hair one last time, taking in the smell of her coconut shampoo and letting it linger as long as he can in his nostrils. God, he’ll miss her scent, the way her bare skin feels on his chest, and just about every other thing about Eleanor.

Eleanor convinces him to sleep, after noticing him going cross eyed. He doesn’t want to, because they don’t have time to waste, but she promises she’ll sleep with him. Louis takes it, knowing this will probably be the most peaceful sleep he’ll have in a while. Eleanor’s in his arms as they go to sleep.

But twelve hours later when Louis wakes up, his bed is empty and cold, along with his arms. Her stuff is gone, leaving behind no trace that she was ever even a part of Louis’ life. He goes for the mini bar in the room and drinks half a bottle of beer in one go. He finds a stationary notepad in the end table and quickly writes out the only thing he keeps coming up in his mind.

_“It’s inevitable everything that’s good comes to an end…”_

~~~

July 2015—Los Angeles

                “I-I can’t fucking believe this!” Eleanor hisses at him, “God Lou, I feel sick!”

                Louis steps aside and Eleanor runs past him to the bathroom.

                They’re in another hotel room, and Louis thinks it’s pretty sick irony that after months of not seeing each other, Louis met up with Eleanor at another hotel room. In the last hotel room they were in, their relationship ended. In this hotel room, Louis’ hitting the final nail in the coffin for any chance he had getting back with Eleanor.

                Louis stays by the door and hears muffled sobs through it. Eleanor sounds like she’s struggling to breathe, and Louis feels the same way about all this too.

                He’s known for a month that he’s going to be a dad. But Louis’ still coming to terms with all of it.

                When Briana told him she was pregnant and keeping the baby, telling Eleanor was the first thought on his mind. Not his mum, his family or even the band. His first thought was how he was going to tell Eleanor this? He knew he had to, knew she needed and deserved to hear it from him and not some tabloid story.

                Louis knew Eleanor was gonna take this news hard. They always talked about having kids of their own one day. But when he told Eleanor, the way she looked so confused and hurt as she came to terms with it all, Louis will never forgive himself for that.

                It’s a little while later when Eleanor comes out of the bathroom. Her eyes are puffy, stained red with tears. She hollowly looks at Louis.

                “You fucked up,” she states flatly.

                Louis nods along, “I know.”

                “How could you do this Louis?” she hisses, “God, you were so strict about protection with us, but then you go and knock up the first girl you’re with after we ended? Really?”

                That’s not true, actually. Briana wasn’t the first woman Louis had sex with after his relationship with Eleanor ended. She was the first woman he tried to have a relationship with since the breakup. But he can’t bring himself to correct her.

                “So, what?” Eleanor asks, “You’re just gonna marry this girl now?”

                Louis shakes his head, “We broke up a while ago. Like, we started out as friends with benefits, tried dating each other for a bit but it didn’t work. And then, she just called me up one day out of the blue and up and-yeah.”

                “Unbelievable,” Eleanor sneers lowly.

                Louis winces, “I’m sorry, El.”

                “Sure you are,” Eleanor scoffs, her head shaking, “That’s why you came here two days before my birthday to do this, yeah? Because you’re sorry?”

                “I had to tell you in person,” Louis says, and he’s beginning to get a little annoyed, “I heard you were coming to LA for a while and this was the only time we’d be together in the same city for a while. I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else.”

                “How nice of you,” Eleanor retorts bitterly, “Too bad you weren’t thinking of me when you had your dick inside another woman and impregnating her!”

                Louis sighs, deeply, “I know I screwed up okay? You don’t have to keep reminding me.”

                “God I’m so fucking stupid!” Eleanor curses herself. She finally looks at Louis, sullenly, “I thought-fuck. When you contacted me, I thought—” she stops herself, and looks away. Louis’ heart picks up.

                “You thought what?”

                Eleanor shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes, “I-I thought you wanted to get back together with me.”

                Her words hang between them, and Louis-fuck, Louis can’t breathe.

                “You,” Louis speaks up, his voice stunned, “You wanted to—”

                “God I was so stupid!” Eleanor scolds herself out loud, “I-When you contacted me last night, I was so fucking happy, Lou. I tried on three different outfits before you came here, trying to figure out what you would like. And-when you got here and I saw you, I just—”

                “El,” Louis exhales, because no, no, no. This can’t be happening.

                Eleanor shakes her head, “But then y-you just broke my fucking heart Lou.”

                “I’m sorry,” Louis rushes out again, “El, I’m so fucking sorry. If—If I’d known there was any part of you that wanted us to get back together, I—”

                “So you fathering a child is my fault?!” Eleanor screeches, ripping her hand away from Louis.

                Louis shakes his head, “N-No—but. El we can still—”

                “God, are you fucking serious?!” Eleanor yells. Eleanor is so normally soft spoken, and she wasn’t made to yell that often. But over the last few months of their relationship, she was yelling at Louis so much. He hates hearing her yell, especially when he’s to blame.

                “El, Briana doesn’t mean anything to me—”

                Eleanor slaps Louis across the cheek. The man cups it, looks at her stunned and he has to tame the anger billowing under the surface.

                Eleanor takes a few huge breaths before she pokes his chest with her finger, “That is the mother of your c-child,” her voice cracks, and tears pool in her eyes, “And she’s nothing to you?”

                “That’s not what I meant,” Louis sighs, “I just-I mean that romantically there’s nothing going on between us. Her and I are just friends and we agreed to co-parent. We-you and I still could—”

                “Fuck you,” Eleanor spits out, “You-you fucking come in here after months of going off and screwing girls all over the damn planet and acted like I never existed—”

                “You left me!” Louis reminds her, “You didn’t even say goodbye, and I was free to do whatever the fuck I wanted to! But you’re the one that left me, Els! I wanted to stick this out and try to fix us. But you just left me while I was sleeping like-I wasn’t worth saying goodbye to?”

                Eleanor scoffs and shakes her head, “I don’t even know why you’re still here—”

                “Because I love you, dammit!” Louis accidently. Eleanor just glares at him, and that’s definitely not the reaction Louis was hoping to get but he’s grasping at straws. Eleanor was gonna take him back and he fucked it all up again. He takes in another large breath and speaks up again, “El, we can work this out, yeah? W-We will figure all this out. All that matters is I love you Els. I still love you, and I could never stop loving you. I-I’m not the same without you—I don’t know who I am anymore. I just-I need you Els, and I know that there’s at least some part of you that wants us to get back together. So please, El. I’ll be a dad and we can still be together, why does it have to be one or the other?”

                Louis thinks he can hear his heart beating in the silent air between them. Eleanor’s got tears in her eyes again, but other than that her face is cold. Her gaze is blank, and Louis’ seen that look before.

                “Even when we’re not together,” Eleanor finally says, shrugging her shoulders slightly and staring Louis down, “You still find a way to hurt me, Lou.”

                “I never meant to hurt you, Els,” Louis says honestly. A choked off breath escapes him as he desperately tries again, “I love you El, please believe me.”

                Eleanor breaks down again, her palm covering her weeping eyes. Her sobs hit Louis like pellets and it takes everything within him not to reach out and hold her. He can’t, knows he shoulder, but he can’t help but selfishly yearn to hold her. They’re been separated for five months but Louis got to hold that girl any time he wanted, especially when she was crying. It’s just hard, being in front of Eleanor again and not being able to touch her at all.

                “I do love you,” Eleanor’s cry is muffled by her hand, “I still love y-you.”

                Louis doesn’t feel any better when he hears this. It’s bittersweet, hearing Eleanor say this as though she dreads the fact it’s true. His thoughts are confirmed when Eleanor suddenly looks up and wipes her tears with the back of her hand, mascara smudging everywhere. She sniffles and settles her breath.

                “But I love myself more now,” Eleanor says simple, her lips shaking, “A-And I can’t-I can’t allow myself to put myself through all this shit again.”

                Louis asks, unable to help himself, “So I’m not worth it?”

                Eleanor’s silent before responding, “Not right now, no.”

                Two minutes later, Louis’ angrily stabbing the elevator button to the lobby. The doors take too long to close, but once the do, Louis starts cursing and his fists clinch up. He lets himself cry then, damn heated tears he’s pent up for months.

                By the time the elevator reaches the lobby, Louis’ tears are gone—just like any chance he had at getting Eleanor back.

~~~

October 2015—Los Angeles

                Not a day goes by that Louis doesn’t think of Eleanor.

                Thoughts of her catch him at terrible times. There’ve been moments during shows, in front of thousands of screaming fans on stage, that a random thought of Eleanor has caused him to miss his cues to move. When he does interviews with the boys for One Direction, his mind wonders off during the boring questions and he always thinks of Eleanor. When he takes Briana to her doctor’s appointments, Louis thinks of Eleanor, mainly the moment he told her he was going to be a dad.

                When he meets a nice and bubbly American actress named Danielle randomly at a club, Louis can’t help but think of the night he met Eleanor. It was at a similar scenario like this this, at a party back in 2011. She showed up at a party where Louis and the boys were throwing and-as soon as Louis saw her, he was hooked. Meeting Eleanor, learning her name and any little tidbit about her and making her laugh for the first time, and how it all made Louis feel like he struck gold is still all so fresh in his mind.

                He can’t push those thoughts away, not even when he dances with Danielle. When she gives him her number, he can’t help but notice how close Danielle to Eleanor in his phonebook, but they’re both so different otherwise.

                Come November, when Danielle kisses him, afterwards—all Louis’ thinking about is the first kiss he shared with Eleanor. When they become an official and he goes to Chicago in December to meet her family, Louis recalls how be tried so hard to win approval over Eleanor’s folks. He tries extra hard to be perfect for Danielle, and it just feels so forced to him, but Danielle seems t gobble up every touch and attention he gives her.

All the while, his thoughts wonder off to Eleanor, and he’s dying to know if she’s found another man yet.

                He feels like shit, but that’s not so surprising these days.

~~~

January 2016—Los Angeles

                Happiness, it turns out, comes in the form of a tiny baby boy.

                Freddie Reign Tomlinson is an instant ball of sunshine that graces the planet on the coldest day in January. He’s got chubby cheeks, a large floppy head that hold a small button nose and gorgeous blue eyes. He’s perfect in every way.

                Louis can’t help but grow a little weepy when he looks down at the squirmy, fussy boy in his arms. He has a son, a real little human that holds half of himself in that tiny little body, and all of him in Freddie’s heart.

                “He sure is a beaut,” Jay fawns over Freddie, her head on Louis’ shoulder. Louis smiles as he watches his son take hold of Jay’s finger, “I can’t believe I’m a granny!”

                “Hey little lad,” Louis chokes out, his thumb brushes over Freddie’s cheek. He can’t stop holding him, can’t stop touching him, “I’m your dad, little lad. Dad and lad, uh? Do you like the sound of that, Freddie? Us against the world.”

                Jay sniffles, “Dammit Lou! You made me cry again!”

                “No swearing in front of the baby!” Louis whisper-yells at his mum as she goes to fetch a tissue. Louis looks back down at his son and smiles softly at him, “Sorry, lad. Your gran’s a bit off her rocker, but she’s good when you need advice. When you’re older and fuc—I mean _mess_ up sometimes, your gran’s gonna be the one you’ll want to go to for help. She won’t judge ya, but she’s the one with the brains and knowledge in the lot.

                “And me?” Louis continues with a soft smile, “Well, I’ll try and get better at the whole advice thing. But mainly, if you want to know music and football, I’ll teach ya all that one day. I just need to get ya on the pitch and kick a ball about with ya, but I reckon you’re a striker. You got good legs, and I figure once you start walking, you’ll be running pretty fast in no time. And you’re already wiggling your fingers, so I’ll get a guitar in your hands in no time.

“I hope I’ll be good at the whole dad thing,” Louis sighs, “You’ll learn over time I’m not perfect, not even close. I might be too brash and head strong for my own good. But whatever I do for you, it’s cus I love you—even if you won’t see it that way. I had two dads that left me before, and I know I’ll never do that to you lad. I’ll never abandon you, whenever you need me I’ll be there for you, Freddie. I’ll never leave you, and I’ll never stop loving you lad. I’ll do everything I can to make sure you have an amazing life, Freddie—I promise I will.”

It's late when Louis and Jay reluctantly leave the hospital. Once they’re in the car and on their way to Louis’ home in LA, Jay speaks up.

“I’m so proud of you, Lou,” she beams, giving his hand a good squeeze, “I know this hasn’t been easy on either you or Briana, but I know you both have Freddie’s best interest at heart. If you two keep him as your primary focus, you two should co-parent just fine.”

Louis grins, “I love him so much, mum.”

“I do too,” Jay agrees, “God, we great genes in us.”

They share a laugh, and just as it dies down, Louis feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He fishes it out, turns the screen on and-and his heart stops beating. His smile morphs into confusion and anxiousness.

Jay seems to notice the change in her son’s mood, “Lou? What is it?”

“It’s um,” he lamely shows his phone to his mum, “El texted me.”

“Well, go on,” Jay urges him gently, “Read what she has to say.”

With a huge sigh, Louis types in his password and opens the text up.

_‘Hey Louis. It’s Eleanor. Your sisters told me your son was born. Congrats! I know you will make a great dad. Wishing you all the luck in the world, and all the best for your son. :)’_

Louis’ speechless, actually speechless. El was never good at bullshitting anything, she’s an open book that way. Her text comes from the most sincere place, and she wouldn’t have messaged Louis this if she didn’t mean it. It’s just-Louis hasn’t spoken to her at all since July. He never expected to hear from Eleanor ever again. He hands over his phone to his mum to see. She reads it, and hums delightfully.

“Well wasn’t that nice of El to say,” Jay says as she hands back Louis’ phone, “You need to thank her. And oh-you should ask how she’s doing.”

Louis shakes his head, “Mum, she only was texting this to be nice. She doesn’t want to make a whole conversation from it.”

“Well how do you know, Lou?” Jay reasons. Louis gulps thickly and looks outside his window down at the city.

“She hates me.”

Jay sighs deeply, “Louis, I can assure you she doesn’t hate you. You can’t have a love like you two had and expect it all of it to go away. You still love her, don’t you?”

“But it’s different,” Louis says dumbly. Jay laughs at that.

“You to have plenty of time to sort these silly things out,” she says, “I have no doubt you two will get back together one day. Maybe not soon, but one day.”

Louis closes his eyes, “I’m with Danielle. I actually like her, mum. She’s nice and-I can see myself falling in love with her one day.”

“I like Danielle too, Lou. I do, she’s a sweet girl,” Jay assures her son, “I have no doubt you’re giving your relationship an honest go-”

“I am—”

“And you’re more the free to date whomever you wish,” Jay tells him, “But if there should come a time when you’re not fully into the relationship anymore, you need to get out, Lou. If time passes and you’re still comparing Danielle to Eleanor, you need to let that poor girl go because it’s not fair to her Lou. She’ll never be someone she’s not supposed to be, and you can’t fault her for that.”

Louis’ silent for the rest of the ride home, his thoughts flipping around in his head. Once the driver parks the car in the driveway. Jay stops her son from getting out. She leans over and kisses her son on the cheek.

“Take this time, Lou,” Jay says, “Learn from being a father. Learn something new from your relationship with Danielle. Grow from all this, and let life lead you where you need to be, and who you need to be with.”

Louis stays in the car and watches his mum get out. Once alone, he focuses his breathing and takes his phone out.

He types out a message and sends it quickly before he can chicken out.

_‘Hi Eleanor. Yep, I have a little boy now-it’s mad! Cute little lad too. Thanks for your message…I miss you Els. I hope you are good, I really do. X’_

He stays up all night, mainly because the excitement of Freddie’s birth and all his sisters back home needed to talk to Louis, even though he’s constantly repeating the same information to them. But there’s a bit of hop in him that Eleanor will respond to his text, and Louis needs to be up for that.

But the text never comes. Louis shouldn’t be surprised by it, and he shouldn’t be devasted by it.

But he is.

~~~

May 2016—Doncaster

                Louis pushes open the door to the garden at his mum’s house.

                No, dear God no.

                He can’t breathe, the air in his lungs feels toxic suddenly. His eyes burn with tears and his stomach clinches around nothing, but it makes him feel sick.

                This can’t be real. This can’t be real.

                With a jumbled mind, a clear though comes to Louis’ mind. His hands are shaking as he takes his phone out of his pocket. His eyes are watery and make it damn near impossible to see, but Louis finds the name he’s looking for in his contacts, and presses it quickly.

                “C’mon,” he mumbles as the phone rings. After five rings, it goes to voicemail and Louis curses.

                _‘Hi, you’ve reached Eleanor! I can’t come to the phone right now, but leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you soon!’_

The peep comes, and Louis lets out a shutter breath.

                “E-El?” he says, weakly, “Look I-I know you don’t want to hear from me but-” a sob from the back of his throat comes out and he clinches his eyes, tears falling out freely now.

                “M-My mum’s sick,” he says out loud for the first time, and God—this can’t be fucking real! “Like, cancer—she has cancer El. Leukemia, and—it’s bad El. The doc’s say it’s pretty bad and—”

                Louis cuts himself off and looks up at the damn sunny sky, his lips trembling.

                “I-I need you El. I need you so fucking much, please. I’m at my mum’s place in Donny. Just—I can’t do this without you, El. Please El.”

                Once he ends the call, Louis throws the phone in the bushes. He kicks the grass and cries freely near the flower bed. He collapses on the patio a little while later, his tears melting into the stone beneath him. He cries until there’s nothing more left in him, and he knows that feeling all too well. The mild sun soothes him to sleep eventually.

                It’s late in the night when there’s a knock on the front door. Louis goes for it, expecting his it to be one of Dan’s sisters.

                But it’s not.

                Eleanor looks purely angelic in a messy bun, an overstuffed backpack on her shoulder, and teary blotches on her cheeks. She looks distressed, her eyes wide on Louis.

                It takes Louis way too long to register everything, leaving Eleanor in the cold.

                She’s here, she actually came.

                Eleanor’s here.

                Once he fully understands that, Louis breaks down again, full on ugly crying.

                Eleanor’s arms are around him in an instant.

                “Shh Lou,” she whispers through her own tears. She stokes her hair the same way she used to whenever Louis would get upset when they were together. It’s still so soothing and comforting after all this time, and that just makes Louis cry even harder. He desperately grabs at the hood of her hoodie and holds onto her because the world fucking flipped upside down today but having Eleanor back in his arms grounds him. It feels like home, even though she smells like the train and they’re both crying hard against each other.

Eleanor feels safe and steady and home.

                “I’m here,” Eleanor reassures him thickly. Louis buries his face in her neck and sobs as Eleanor continues to stroke his hair, “Everything will be okay. I’m here Lou. I’m with you, okay? Always.”

                And Eleanor shouldn’t make promises Louis knows that she has no intentions of keeping. And Louis shouldn’t be so naïve and believe anything she’s saying in a time like this. But Louis will take it. He’s take her empty promises and the wistful thinking.

                He’ll take whatever Eleanor will give him, because he needs her now more than ever.

~~~

“I see your taste in cereal hasn’t changed,” Eleanor’s voice comes softly and low in the kitchen. Louis stops pouring the milk in his bowl and looks over his shoulder. Eleanor’s wearing a ratty old sweatshirt that Louis recognizes, a pair of pajama shorts and a lovely, sleepy smile. She’s beautiful, even when she’s sleep deprived and emotionally drained.

It’s still pretty early, and the rest of the house is asleep. Louis’ thankfully, and somewhat amazed that his mum is able to sleep peacefully for the most part. She starts chemo in a few days, and Louis thinks he’s more anxious about then she is. Jay’s so strong in all this, so steadfast in the philosophy that everything is going to be okay, no matter what happens.

Louis wishes he had more faith and trust in life like his mum has.

Eleanor walks into the kitchen and finds the mugs in their normal spot in the cabinet. She’s been here countless times, so it’s not too surprising that remembers the layout of his mum’s kitchen. But it is a bit strange to see Eleanor in his mum’s house in general, looking all too comfortable and at ease in her ex-boyfriend’s mum’s house.

“You know my love for Weetabix,” Louis says, finally finding his voice, “That’s the sad thing about living in the states half the time, no Weetabix.”

Eleanor giggles a little and comes up beside Louis. She shyly asks, “You got enough water in the kettle for two?”

Louis cracks a smile, “And enough Weetabix for two as well.”

They eat breakfast in silence as the sun rises. Louis focuses more on his cereal and tea then Eleanor sitting across from him. He can feel her staring at him, and he’s dying to know what she’s thinking. Even though Eleanor agreed to come to Doncaster, it doesn’t make things magically okay between them. It’s more than awkward being in the same room again, and it’s only heightened by situation and Louis’ family being around.

“I, um,” Louis begins, “I hope the girls we’re too terrible towards you last night. And sorry about the cot.”

When he looks up from his tea cup, he finds Eleanor smirking.

“The girls are perfect roommates,” she says, almost robotically. It makes Louis scoff, “And the cot was just fine.”

It breaks the tension, just slightly—but it’s enough to embolden Louis. He reaches across the breakfast bar and timidly wraps his fingers around Eleanor’s wrist. Thankfully, she doesn’t flinch away.

“Thank you,” Louis says, “I—You probably had other stuff going on in London. But you—anyway, that was really nice of you. You didn’t have to but, thank you anyway.”

Eleanor sighs, “Louis,” she places her other hand on top of his. She looks directly at him, her eyes soft and kind and—well, it has been way too long since Eleanor look at him in any other way that wasn’t disgusted. It’s a pleasant change for sure.

“She may be your mum, but Jay’s my friend too,” Eleanor says.

“Really?” Louis asks, and Eleanor nods with a weary sigh.

“We kept in contact over the year, not as much as when we were together, but still. We’d go for lunch every now and then to catch up, but,” Eleanor sighs and looks down at her breakfast, “With the holidays, it just got so busy with my blog and going to different events. Truth is, I hadn’t seen Jay in months. I had to cancel a few of our lunch and coffee dates. And then when you called me yesterday, I—” she shakes her head a little.

Louis asks, “What?” After a moment or so of more silence, Eleanor’s thick voice answers.

“I-I couldn’t help but feel guilty,” she confesses, “Like-maybe if I had seen Jay, I could have noticed something was off with her and told her to go get a checkup.”

“I feel the same way,” Louis admits, “I, if I had just come home more often, maybe I would’ve seen something with mum. But like, mum says she didn’t even notice anything was wrong at first. Then she just got a rash outta the blue one day and went to get it checked out. She thought it was just an allergic reaction. I guess she was using a new lotion and,” Louis gulps thickly, “She wasn’t expecting cancer.”

Eleanor hesitantly asks, “On the phone you-you said it was bad, Lou…How bad are we talking about?” Louis gulps thickly, his throat tight.

“Stage four.”

“Fuck,” Eleanor exhales, stunned, “But, her doctor—they have a treatment plan to cure her, yeah?”

“She’s meeting with a cancer doctor on Thursday,” Louis says, shaking his head, “I dunno the technical term for him. All I know is that doctor is gonna pump all sorts of strong medicine that’s gonna make her weak, bald and sicker then she now,” he shrugs anxiously, “They say she’s got a fair chance and I’ve made sure she’ll have the best doctors and chemo available.”

Eleanor adds for Louis’ sake, giving his arm a secure squeeze, “She’s a fighter, Lou. Jay will beat this. She’ll get through this, you all will.” Louis hates that his eyes well up again. He’s always been a bit of a softy, but he’s never cried this much in two days. How could he possibly have more tears left in him?

“El what if—what if she—”

“Don’t go there, Lou,” she commands him, “We’re not at that point yet. Jay has options now, she has a chance Lou, a fair chance that she’s gonna beat this. You have to focus on that.”

Louis nods quickly and sniffles. She’s right, of course she is.

But.

“I-I can’t lose her, El,” he says flatly, desperately, “I-I’d rather die—”

Eleanor gets out of her chair and goes straight do Louis. Within seconds, Louis’ crying into her chest, and her hands are carding through his hair.

“Louis William Tomlinson,” Eleanor speaks up once Louis has settled down, “Don’t you dear say shit like that. You-do you realize how special you are? How much your family needs you—how we all need you? You’re going to be okay, no matter what happens everything will be fine. You will be there for you mum and your family, and they will support you too, Lou.”

Louis’ stunned when he feels Eleanor place a kiss on the back of his scalp.

“And I’m here for you too, Lou—always.”

Again, Eleanor’s really good at making promises that Louis knows she doesn’t intend on keeping. But just hearing her say it, even if she doesn’t mean it, that’s enough for Louis, for now at least. The future is so uncertain, and everything is so fucked up, but for now, Eleanor’s holding him again, promising to be his rock once more.

And that’s the only ray of sunshine in this whole situation.

~~~

September 2016—Los Angeles

                Louis’ just finished sorting his fringe out when the gate gets buzzed. He pauses for a moment before finding the nearest intercom and presses the button.

                “Hello?”

                A fuzzy response comes a minute later, “It’s me, Lou.”

                A slow, yet tensed smile spreads across Louis’ face. He presses the button to open the gates and nervously waits for Eleanor.

                When Louis got the text from her a few days prior, saying that Eleanor was in LA and wanted to catch up with him, how could Louis not be excited? The last few months had been stressful to say the least. Between adjusting to fatherhood and his mother’s health, Louis was completely spent. He opted to take several vacations and getaways with Danielle, who turns out to be a decent travel buddy. But still, the trips never really did anything except temporarily take him away from the problems. Once he got back in LA or England, his troubles were there to greet him.

                Seeing Eleanor again has been something Louis’ been looking forward to for days. She’s always so good at listening and giving advice. They’ve talked a lot the last few months, and she’s keeping a good eye on Louis’ mum and family in England while Louis mainly stays in LA with Freddie.

                The doorbell rings and Louis runs halfway to the door. He stops himself and makes himself finish the rest of the way in a casual stride, not wanting to seem like he had been waiting nearby for Eleanor (even though that’s exactly what he was doing. Eleanor didn’t need to know that).

                He opens the door and is blessed with Eleanor’s smiling at him. She’s got her sunglasses on, the bright summer sun reflecting off them and making Louis squint. She looks effortlessly chill and stylish, as always, and has two large coffees and a paper bag full of pastries.

                “Figured you never turn down coffee,” Eleanor greets him and smirks.

                Louis scoffs and laments, “Neither do you.” Eleanor laughs and lets herself. Louis closes the door and faces Eleanor once more. She offers him a coffee.

                “You still drink Americanos, yeah? Cream, no sugar?” she asks, as if she was trying to sound clueless. But Eleanor knows him too well, and can’t pull off the act. She was the one with the brains between the two of them, always studied for uni and didn’t procrastinate on her assignments. Eleanor’s a wise old man inside a young woman’s body.

                “Perfect. Thanks,” Louis takes the drink.

                Eleanor looks around a bit, “Nice place you got here. Did I see a black, furry dog in the backyard when I came in here?” Louis chuckles.

                “Yeah, that’s Clifford. He’s a labradoodle.” Eleanor’s eyes widen.

                “Labradoodle? Like Bruce?” she comments innocently, and—yeah.

                “Cliff will be bigger than Bruce is,” Louis tells her, “He’s only a few months old. Maybe you’ll meet him later. But I gotta keep him outside while Freddie naps.”

                Eleanor grins a little, almost bashfully, “And will I get to meet the little lad today?”

                And, wow Louis wasn’t expecting that at all.

                “You wanna meet him?” Louis asks, leading Eleanor towards the family room. There are a few children’s books Louis reads to Freddie on the coffee table. Eleanor spots them immediately and admires them before sitting down. Louis joins her, keeping a good cushion or so of space between them.

                Eleanor sighs, “Look, Louis—I know, when you told me you were going to be a dad. God, I still feel so guilty at how I acted. That, wasn’t right of me, at all.”

                “You were shocked,” Louis says dumbly, his shoulder shrugging a little, “It’s only natural.”

                “Still,” she says, “I shouldn’t have been so rude towards you. I know Freddie was meant to be your son, Lou. Life doesn’t just happen randomly, it’s all planned out, the good and bad. You becoming a dad is a huge blessing, even though it didn’t happen in the way I wanted it to, with you and I starting a family.”

                “El,” Louis exhales. Eleanor sighs.

“Freddie is your son, and of course I’d love to meet any extension of you, Lou. If you don’t want me to meet Freddie I understand, but please know I’m so sorry for how I acted back then. That wasn’t right of me.”

                Louis finds himself nodding, a little smiling curling up his lips, “Apology accepted,” he extends his drink towards her, and she taps it with her own. He tells Eleanor in the sincerest way he can, “And I would love for you to meet Freddie.”

                Eleanor beams at that before taking a sip of her coffee.

                As the drink and munch on pastries, Louis listens to Eleanor go on about her career. He’s so fucking proud of her, knowing how much of a passion fashion has always been for Eleanor. It’s great she’s found a way to make a name for herself in the industry. Louis loves the way her eyes light up as she tells him she landed a Christmas spread for Tommy Hilfiger. He can’t help but smile, but also feel a sense of sadness for not witnessing her success first hand.

                “How’s Jay?” Eleanor asks carefully.

                Louis sighs, “She’s finished her first round of chemo a couple weeks ago. Now we’re just waiting for test results to see how her body is doing.”

                Eleanor chides softly, “Lou, I’m asking about how your mum is doing, not the medical facts. Does she feel well? I haven’t had the time lately to visit her, but on the days when I could, Lottie usually tells me that Jay’s not feeling well.” Louis shrugs sagely.

                “I dunno El,” he admits, “God, it’s so fucking hard to tell. I mean, on the days without chemo, she’s mostly herself. She has more energy then I expect to keep up with the young twins and to do all her normal activities. But the days she goes into the hospital for chemo, it wipes her out completely. The chemo needs to be administrated over several hours, sometimes she needs to spend the night at the hospital. But she’ll sleep for half a day sometimes on the days after chemo. It sucks seeing her like that, shaky and pale and in pain.”

                Eleanor makes a sympathetic noise, “Poor Jay,” she comments somberly. Louis goes on, finally letting himself talk through all this shit.

                “The worst part is knowing what she’s going through and seeing it, and knowing I can’t do a single thing to help her. I can’t take away her pain, I can’t cure her cancer. I-I just feel so fucking useless, El. And I feel like shit for not being in England for her for all this. She tells me it’s okay, that I belong here and I’m young and I still should go on trips. But I always feel like shit for not being there for her.”

                “You are there for her, Lou,” Eleanor assures him gently, “It doesn’t matter where you are. Jay knows she has your love and support through all this. She knows that you’re doing what you need to do, and she’s doing what she needs to do. You can’t do this to yourself, Lou. The guilt will eat you alive.”

                Louis nods tentatively, and looks at Eleanor with a fond expression, “You always know what to say, don’t ya?” Eleanor smirks.

                “I’m told I’m wise beyond my years,” she states. A pitied smile stretches over her lips as she looks at Louis, “I know you can’t help but worry over your family all the time. But in Jay’s case, you don’t have much control. You need to fret over the things you can manage, like Freddie and your family. And hopefully these results will show Jay’s body is making progress, and the treatment is working.”

                Eleanor took a bite out of a Danish, and the treat leaves behinds a spot of jam on her lip.

                Louis can’t help but let out a laugh. Eleanor furrows her brow at him.

                “What’s so funny?” she prompts.

                “You got jam on your upper lip,” he informs her.

                Eleanor frowns and wipes the other side of her lips with her hand.

                Louis chuckles again, “No, El it’s—here.”

                Without thinking, Louis reaches over and cups the side of Eleanor’s face. He feels her tense up a bit, her eyes widen the slightest, but soon relaxes. Louis finds himself holding his own breath as he wipes the jam off her lip.

                “There,” he whispers. He moves his gaze from Eleanor’s lips to her eyes, and finds her pupils blown. Her gaze drops to his lips and-and all the air is sucked out of Louis’ lungs.

                And then his phone rings. It cuts through the thick tension between them, and Louis pulls his hand back. Eleanor looks down at her coffee, and Louis wants to ask and say about a million things to her. But his phone rings again, and he’s forced to pick his phone off the table.

                “It’s mum,” Louis says, and looks over at Eleanor guiltily.

                Eleanor shrugs slightly, “Well? Don’t keep her waiting, Lou. You know she’ll gab your ear off if you keep her waiting.”

                Louis snorts as he gets to his feet, “Okay. I’ll take this outside. I’ll try not to be long.”

                “Don’t worry about me,” Eleanor says easily, “Take your time.”

                The thing is, Jay’s a talker, always has been. Even when she’s getting chemo treatments, before the meds fully take over her body, she always talks to the nurses. She knows them all by name, of course, and knows probably way more about them then any patient should know about their nurses. So, Louis’ mum’s a talker, which is perfectly fine.

However, Louis loves listening to his mum talk, especially now more then ever. He misses his family, misses seeing them. So he loves when his mum calls to update him on all that’s happening with all of them. Jay tells Louis all the funny little things Doris and Earnie say and do. She tells him that Fizz likes a new guy, which Louis tries not to snarl at. She tells Louis that Tommy gave Lottie a promise ring and that they’re planning on moving into a flat together within a year.

(Louis DOES snarl at that! He likes Tommy, even considers him a brother. But Lotts is too young to move in with another guy!).

Of course, Jay keeps insisting that she’s fine.

She always says that, because Louis can sense that her spirits are up today, and overall, she had a goodnight.

Louis tells her goodnight and to give his love to his sisters and brother.

When Louis gets off the phone, he’s shocked to see he’s been on the phone for almost and hour and half.

“Shit,” he breathes out, because Freddie was long due for a bottle.

He quickly opens the porch door and steps back into the family room from outside.

Louis’ stunned by what he sees.

“You’re a hungry little fella, aren’t you?” Eleanor coos down at Freddie in her arms. She smiles as she tilts the bottle a little higher, “Eat up, Freddie.” The boy gulps down more milk and looks content with his short little life.

Louis walks in slowly, his expression dumbfounded. Eleanor hears him come in and she smiles sheepishly at him.

“I-I…hope you don’t mind,” Eleanor begins to explain, “I didn’t want to disturb your call with Jay, but Freddie woke up about ten minutes ago, crying. I tried bouncing him around a bit, but I figured he was hungry. So I um, saw the bottle in the fridge and-well.

Louis comes up to the couch and smiles down at his boy. Hs six next to Eleanor, with Freddie bundled up between them.

“Please don’t be mad,” Eleanor says.

Louis blinks, “Why on Earth would I be mad?”

“I just, kinda hijacked your kid, Lou,” she says, and Louis chuckles.

“El, Freddie was hungry and you got him and are feeding him. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

She nods, her cheeks flushed slightly. They both look down at Freddie and Louis can’t help but laugh at his adorable dazed expression.

“He looks stoned,” Eleanor says, and Louis nods, agreeing.

“He gets like that during bottle time,” he snorts, “Mum calls it _milk drunk_.”

“How is she, by the way?” Eleanor asks.

Louis beams, “She sounded really good, like happy and energetic. I think today was a good day.”

“That’s wonderful, Lou,” Eleanor agrees happily.

“You know,” Louis offers, “I can feed if now, if you like.”

Eleanor continues to look at Freddie, and doesn’t say anything for a while before she responds.

“I’d like to keep feeding him,” she finally says unsurely, and then adds, “But only if you’re okay with that.”

“Of course I am, Els,” Louis tells her. Eleanor smiles at him, “Almost forgot, mum told me to say hi to you and to give Fredster a big kiss.”

Louis leans down and gives his boy a solid kiss on his forehead. Freddie seems unfazed by the gesture and continues to suck down his formula. When Louis lifts his head up, he finds Eleanor smiling at him.

“You know,” she starts, “I haven’t held a baby in ages. Probably the last time was Doris and Earnest.”

Louis clicks his tongue, “That’s a shame. How’s Freddie treating ya?”

“He’s gorgeous, Lou,” Eleanor replies earnestly, and Louis can’t help but feel boastful about it, “He’s got the cutest nose, and his little fingers are so soft. He’s got a huge head, though.”

“Yeah,” Louis agrees easily with a laugh, “Wonder where he got that from.”

“From his dad and his thick skull,” Eleanor mutters fondly, and lightly elbows Louis’ gut.

“Heyyy,” Louis whines playfully. Eleanor smiles at him, one that sorta makes Louis feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

“But he’s got your eyes, Lou,” she whispers, almost in awe, “I’m so happy for you, Lou. Freddie is just a little darling. And I can see how much you light up when he’s around.”

Louis grows shy at the compliment, “Freddie’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

It’s true, unquestionable true. But Louis holds himself back from saying that the second-best thing that ever happened to him was meeting Eleanor. And then being put in One Direction. Eleanor would never believe him if he said it, but it’s true. Louis can’t bring himself to say it.

“I um,” Eleanor coughs tightly, strategically looking down at Freddie, “When I got Freddie in your room, I noticed there were a bra on the floor.”

Louis’ heart sinks to his stomach, “Oh.”

“Are you two, like,” Eleanor gulps noticeable and Louis hates, really hates the sudden awkwardness between them. She whispers, “Is—are you two living together?”

“No,” Louis answers quickly, but then corrects himself, “But like, she spends a lot of time here.”

Eleanor nods, and Louis sees her process this information, “What’s her name again?”

“Danielle,” Louis says, almost inaudibly.

“Is she good with Freddie?” Eleanor asks and the question shocks Louis a little bit.

“She’s…getting there,” he says, chuckling a little, “She hasn’t had as much experience with kids as I had. She’s sweet to Freddie, but he just hasn’t warmed up to her yet. He doesn’t see her that often.”

Eleanor smiles a little, “You think Freddie has warmed up to me, yet?”

Louis looks down at his boy, scoffing at Freddie’s dazed little smile around the bottle. Eleanor strokes his cheek, and Freddie tilts his head into her finger.

“Yeah,” Louis says, his voice thick with fond, “I think Freddie likes ya.”

Eleanor’s silent for a while before asking, “Do you love her, Lou?”

Louis sighs, his eyes closing, “I-I dunno. We’ve—I just don’t know. I like spending time with her, Dani’s great and all. But—” Louis sighs and stops himself, hoping Eleanor will just leave the conversation there.

But of course, she doesn’t.

“But what?” she asks innocently. Louis can’t look at her as he speaks.

“It’s just…the relationship I have with Dani it’s-it’s just really different then the kind we had. Like—I never had a relationship like we had.”

Eleanor just nods as this and stays quiet while Freddie finishes the bottle. Eleanor then hands him over to Louis.

“I-I’m sorry I shouldn’t have—” Eleanor says quickly, “I need to go.”

As soon as Louis is on his feet, Eleanor’s already out the door.

~~~

October 2016—Doncaster

                Louis was never one to believe in God. They never went to church on Sundays, and only recited verses as part of his lessons in school. He always figured there was some big, all powerful force of the universe that controlled everything, but he couldn’t give it the name of God before.

                Yet here he was, in the chapel of a hospital, sitting in a lonely pew watching the candles that people who came in before lit flicker in the darkness. He doesn’t remember how long he’s been here, just knows it’s been a while. He’s hungry, yet feels too sick to eat. He’s tired, so fucking tired but he can’t go to sleep only to endure another day of this. He’s cried too many times over these last few months, too many times over the last few days, but still feels the terrible urge to cry.

                He hates it, he hates all of this. But there’s not a damn thing he can do to stop it.

                The door to the chapel opens and closes with a squeaky shrill. Footsteps, the kind that sound like expensive heels, echo against the marble floor as they come closer to him. Louis continues to watch the candles flicker as the person sits down beside him. Just a whiff of her perfume, the same one that he knows she’s used since she was seventeen, he knows it’s Eleanor.

                Eleanor wordlessly drops her head on his shoulder. She slips her arm around his and links their fingers together. Louis curls his fingers around her hand without thinking too much, because he’s done this thousands of times a lifetime ago. But he’s never needed to hold her hand more than now.

                “I’m surprised to see you here,” Eleanor comments, breaking the silence.

                Louis blinks slowly, “I never thought I’d be here either. But, I just needed a moment, I guess.”

                “Dan told me,” Eleanor says thickly, and Louis’ heart tightens in his chest.

                “Mum doesn’t want anymore chemo. S-She’s going into hospice, a-and they’ll make sure she’s not in pain,” he draws a shaky sigh, “Doc’s say she might make it through Christmas, but it’s most likely that she won’t.”

                Eleanor squeezes his hand, her voice sounding wet, “I’m so sorry, Lou.”

                “I should’ve expected it,” he goes on, “She-the treatments weren’t working as well as they should have. Mum’s mood hasn’t been the same lately, she’s had more bad days then good ones. And the tests this week just sorta confirmed what I knew deep down was true but—”

                A weak sob chokes Louis’ throat. Suddenly he’s grabbing onto Eleanor with all his might, hugging her awkwardly from the side in the pew. Eleanor rubs his back and lets him cry again, and Louis hates that half the time he’s with Eleanor nowadays is just spent with the two of them crying. Then again, some selfish part of him loves that she’s here, holding him again. Even if it’s for condolence and not for romance, he still loves it. He just wishes it wasn’t like this, that the scenario was completely different.

                “I-I didn’t want this to be true,” he wails, “H-How is this happening El?”

“I’m so sorry, Lou,” Eleanor says wetly, “I’m so fucking sorry.”

                They pull back, and almost instantly Louis finds her hand again. He looks at Eleanor’s navy-blue nail polish and sniffles. They rest their foreheads on each other and cry in silence for a bit before Eleanor cups his face. Louis looks up and his heart tears up at Eleanor’s puffy eyes and runny makeup. She wipes off a tear from his cheek, and swallows thickly as her face grows serious.

                “You will get through this Lou,” she tells him firmly, “You and your family are going to get through all this together. It’s gonna be really fucking hard and shitty at times. You’re gonna think this is going to be too much to bear, but you will press on. You and your family will grieve together, and you lot will get through this together. You all deserve to be happy, Jay would want you guys to be happy and to live your lives.”

                Louis shakes his head, new tears forming, “I-I can’t—”

                “You can, and you will, Louis,” Eleanor insists, “You’re so strong. You always were the strong one, you’re the one that never gives up, that never says no or can’t. You make others strong Lou. Your siblings will need you to be strong for them Lou. I know you will be, but you need to believe that you can get through this, or else your family will feel like they can’t get through this either. You need to rely on that part of you now more the]an ever before.”

                “It’s not fair,” Louis whispers, tears on his lips.

                Eleanor sighs sympathetically, “I know it’s not Lou. None of this is fucking fair, but this is what life has given you. You can’t lay down and just give up. I won’t let that happen. You are destined for great things Louis William Tomlinson. This is going to be a huge fucking blow, but it’s not going to the thing that keeps you down. You can’t let it be.”

                Louis nods hastily, his numbed mind trying to take this all in. Eleanor gives him a little smile.

                “You need to be strong now more then ever before Lou. Jay needs you to be the rock for this family now. I know you can do this, you just need to believe that you’re going to get through this.”

                Louis looks her dead in the eye, “I-I need you El,” Eleanor looks unsure by these words, but Louis goes on, “I-This all has been a fucking nightmare, but y-you’ve been the best thing about all this. Having you here, back in my life for me and my family has been the best thing.”

                “Lou—” But Louis shakes his head and rests his forehead against hers once more.

                “You’re my rock, El,” he tells her sincerely.

                Eleanor sighs, “You can’t say shit like that.”

                “It’s true.”

                “It can’t be,” she insists, “Not-You have Danielle.”

                Louis shakes his head, “She’s been great, but she doesn’t know me like you do. You always seem to know the right thing to say. You make me strong, El. I-I dunno how I would’ve gotten through all this without you. Please El, there’s no one else out there like you. If I have a chance of getting through this shit, it’s only if you’re by my side.”

                Eleanor gives him a doe-eyed look, her eyes deep brown and wide and just lovely.

                “Okay,” she finally agrees, “Whatever you need Lou, I’ll be there.”

                Louis breathes a relieved breath, “Thanks, El. I know, this all isn’t fair on you. I rely on you too much. Even after everything I’ve done to you, I’m surprised you haven’t just kicked me to the curb yet.”

                “Lou,” Eleanor sighs, taking his hand, “Let’s be clear on something, we hurt each other. I’ve said and done things to you that I regret to this day, things I’ll never be able to forgive myself. But I still love you Louis, like I know there’s some part of you that loves me still.”

                Louis confirms this easily, “Of course.” He so desperately wants to tell Eleanor he’s still in love with her because she’s perfect, and he’d be damn near insane if he didn’t.

                Eleanor smiles, “We were friends before we started dating, and I think that foundation has always been there, even when we were in our rough patches. We just needed to find it again. But Lou,” her smile grows fond as she looks at him, “I’ll always care for you, no matter what.”

                “Me too,” Louis says dumbly, “I mean it Els, you need anything-name it.”

                “I just need you to go to Lottie’s launch tonight,” she replies and Louis groans.

                “I don’t even know why mum’s making Lottie keep her launch, after the week we had.”

                Eleanor reasons, “That’s exactly why she wants Lotts to do this. This is a very exciting thing for Lottie and the family. This is a good thing, and you all need to celebrate it, especially you, Lou. I know how proud of are of her.”

                “Lottie’s been amazing through all this,” Louis states, “She’s been a mum practically.”

                “She’s given up so much to be here with the family, Lou,” Eleanor agrees, “Which is why Jay wants her to have this one night to be proud of her accomplishments and to just have fun.”

                Louis sighs tirelessly, “You’re right, as usual.”

                “Good,” Eleanor agrees.

                “I just wish you were coming,” Louis admits, almost whining, “You’ve known Lottie for ages, you should be there too.”

                “Louis,” Eleanor says flatly, and reminds him, “I wasn’t invited, and I respect that. Lottie was very kind enough to invite your girlfriend.”

                “But—”

                “Lou,” Eleanor sighs, “Look, if we’re going to have any sort of friendship, you need to realize somethings. We’re not together anymore, we’re just friends. You have a girlfriend, Lou—a girlfriend who seems really nice and supportive. I can’t come before her, Lou.”

                Louis rolls his eyes, feeling as though she’s being dramatic, “Els—”

                “I mean it Lou. I know we were together a lot time and we have a shit ton of history, but we’re not dating each other anymore. She needs to come first to you now Lou, not me. Got it?”

                Louis nods after a moment, but it’s mostly for her sake, “Okay.”

                Eleanor drags him out of the chapel and talks up the night for Louis. Maybe this is what he needs, a night out after a Hell of a week.

                But he knows he needs more then a pint.

                He needs Eleanor, plain and simple.

~~~

Early December 2016—Doncaster

                When Briana walks into the waiting room with a sleepy Freddie on her hip, Louis finds himself genuinely smiling for the first time in weeks.

                He instantly lets go of Danielle’s hand and gets up from his chair. He strides towards Briana on his heavy feet. Briana greets him with a tired smile and graciously hands Freddie over to him. Looking down at his sleeping boy, with his tiny mouth ajar and drool on his chin, it’s crazy to think Freddie’s almost a year old. He’s gotten so big, and Louis missed a lot of Freddie’s little discoveries, like first step and his first word because of his mother’s illness. But having back in is arms again is nothing but pure joy.

                Louis smiles at Briana, “Thanks for bringing him.”

                “Of course, Louis,” she responds, “My family and I are planning on staying in England through Christmas.”

                “That’s—” Louis begins, but can’t help but smile, “Thanks Briana. I really appreciate all this.”

                Louis then lowers himself down to Doris and Earnest’s level, who had just woken up from a nap. They’d never met Freddie in person, but they babble on about him all the time and coo over pictures of him. It makes Louis’ chest expand painfully tight when his littlest sister and brother fawn over their nephew and gently touch his hands.

                The twins toddle towards Jay’s room, with Louis walking behind. He ponders briefly about how sad it is that they know exactly where their mum’s hospital room is, that they’ve been here so many times visiting their mum. It shouldn’t be like this, none of this should be happening, and poor Doris, Earnest and Freddie have no clue what’s going on.

                The door opens just as the four of them get there, and Eleanor’s the one who is stepping out. The twins dart inside quickly, leaving Louis and Eleanor in the hall. It’s almost beautiful how Eleanor’s face lights up when she sees Freddie.

                “Hi little lad,” she greets him softly, her finger tracing his chubby cheek. The boy smiles widely and jibbers nonsense at her. She finally looks up at Louis and she gives him a soft smile, “Hey.”

                “Hi Els,” he says, and then looks anxiously at the door, “How is she doing?”

                Eleanor’s eyes light up, “She’s hanging in there, seems to have a lot of energy. And I think once she sees Freddie, she’ll be over the moon.”

                Louis nods, his mind processing all this, “She’s been asking to see him for days. I think she’s tired of seeing me.” Eleanor chuckles at this.

                “No,” she insists, “Jay loves you so much, Lou. She keeps talking to the nurses about how you’re taking good care of her and the family. And she has your song on repeat.”

                Louis beams at that, his lips quivering.

                “Anyway, I don’t want to overwhelm her,” Eleanor says, “That’s a full room in there, loads of Tomlinsons and Deakins, as it should be.”

                As she moves away, Louis catches her sleeve.

                “Stay,” he tells her, “Please?”

                Eleanor frowns slightly at this, and Louis can figure why she is. She’s probably wondering why he wants her in his mum’s hospital room with his family, and not his actual girlfriend. Thankfully, she doesn’t ask that, because Louis can’t bring himself to answer that-at least not yet.

                “Okay,” she says and slips back in the room. Louis follows her a second later.

                Days later, the doctors inform them that it wouldn’t be much longer. Friends and distant relatives have come and gone all day to say their final goodbyes, and to offer peace for the family. But as the day has progressed, it was clear that this was happening, that months of illness and hospital visits and failed treatments stops on a cold and dreary December night.

Louis’ drained, absolutely spent. He can’t do this, he can’t possibly say goodbye to his mum.

But, when the time comes, Eleanor tugs on his sleeve and gently leads the way to Jay’s room. She hugs Louis tightly, and even gives him a little kiss on the cheek. If Louis wasn’t so numb and his brain wasn’t so fried, he would be jumping for joy. But he can’t. Eleanor tells him he’s strong, and he really needs to hear that no more than ever because he can barely stand on his own feet.

She guides him to the door and the two share a look that seems to say and mean a million things. Eleanor gives him a nod and a wobbly smile, and Louis knows he can’t be selfish and try to drag this out at long as he can. Louis opens the door and goes in.

When he comes out of the room hours later, his eyes puffy and stinging with tears and his hears ringing from the cries of his siblings, Eleanor’s there for him, as always.

~~~

December 2016—London

                Louis wakes up slowly, painfully slow.

                Pain is an understatement.

                He almost regrets opening his eyes, dreading the fact that this is all real.

                Today marks three days since his mum died.

                Three fucking days without his mum.

                He sits up, feels the bitterness of a stale burn from all the pints last night. His stomach wobbles inside him and her mutely curses the sun that peaks through his curtains. He thought going out after the X-Factor performance and getting absolutely smashed would make him feel better. He thought he’d actually feel something after a night out. Now though, Louis’s just as numb as he was before. The brief high from being on stage and the slight buzz he found in several pints are nowhere to be found.

                Three fucking days.

                Jesus.

The hotel room is a mess, with his duffle bag dumped out with all his clothes in the corner. Oli and Cal are sleeping in the chairs by the window. His groggy eyes land on the sympathy gifts from X-Factor that were in the room when Louis got in the room the day before. Flower arrangements of every kind and several unopened fruit baskets are lined up neatly in a row on the table.

                Louis has to stop and really remind himself that yes, last night he actually performed his first song as a solo artist for the first time on live TV, three days after his mum died.

                How is any of this real? How is his mum actually gone?

                He gets up and groans as he stretches, his limbs still feeling like cement. He finds his phone on the table with the flowers and fruit, and he actually has 30% of battery life left, somehow. Louis finds his smokes and lighter in his jeans form the night before and slips out onto the patio for a smoke.

                Halfway through the cigarette, Louis calls Eleanor.

                “You were amazing!” Louis smiles slightly at Eleanor’s compliment.

                “I got your dozens of texts last night, Els.”

“So?” Eleanor retorts, “I haven’t told you this in person yet. And I really mean it Lou. You were fucking great! Like seriously, the twins were going crazy here!”

                Louis fondly asks, “Yeah? Which ones?”

                “Both sets, but mainly Doris and Earnest. They were screaming and jumping up and down during your whole performance. I had to rewind it a few times, because they wanted to watch it over and over again.”

                Louis puffs out more smoke, his gaze locked on the busy city. Eleanor stayed back in Doncaster with Fizz, both sets of twins and Dan’s sister. It was lovely of her to do this, but at the same time, Louis wanted Eleanor to be there when he performed. He knows that a main reason she stayed behind was to avoid Danielle, and to make him remember that they’re not together anymore. Louis knows this, he does. It’s just so fucking easier to be with Eleanor, especially now.

                “Good to know I’ll have young fans in the future.”

                Eleanor’s quiet for a bit before she says, “Jay would have been so bloody proud of ya, Lou.”

                “I know,” Louis replies hollowly, “I had to do that for her, least I could do.”

                “You’ve done so much for her, Lou. You always did whatever you could for her.”

                Louis can’t help but scoff, “All that wasn’t enough in the end though. It wasn’t enough to make mum well.”

                “Lou,” Eleanor chides, “You can’t think like that.”

                “She should’ve been there last night,” Louis says stubbornly. He thinks stupidly, _‘You should have been there, El. I wanted you there too, I needed you there.’_

                Eleanor lets out a breath, “She was there. She’ll always be with you Lou—”

                “Don’t give me that bullshit!” Louis sneers, “I can’t fucking stand that shit! So many people have fucking told me that, and it’s not true.”

                “Lou—”

                “And I hate that people keep saying my mum ‘passed away,’” Louis shakes his head, his blood boiling up again, “She mum died, she fucking died! She didn’t pass away, she died. Saying passed away doesn’t change shit.”

                “I know it doesn’t Lou—”

                “I’m so fucking tired of people giving me shit—like useless, half-ass shit. I got a dozen flower arrangements and fruit baskets in my room here El,” he barks out an empty laugh, “My mum died, she _died_ , and I all have to show for it are poinsettias and oranges. Like they’re somehow supposed to replace my mum.”

                “Lou, that’s just what people do. They don’t know what else to do when someone loses someone.”

                “And you,” Louis hisses through his phone, “You need to stop being fucking Goddamn nice to me. You keep acting like you still care about me, when we both know in a few months you’ll go back to ignoring me again.”

                Eleanor sighs, “Louis, just stop.”

                “But—”

                “Louis,” she scolds, “Just stop, and take a few minutes to breathe.”

                Louis begrudgingly listens to her, because he doesn’t have any energy to fight back with her. He looks out at the skylines, takes in the stale fresh air of London, and drones out the traffic of cars racing by in the distance. He forces on each breath, the air moving through his chest being much harder then it ever was before. But after a moment, that pit of anger within him decreases. His heart slows down and some form of a peace settles within him.

                “I’m sorry,” he finally says, “God, El I’m so fucking sorry.”

                “I know you are Lou,” she assures him, “You’re frustrated, and I don’t blame you. It’s gonna take a long time for you to sort all this out, but you will. It won’t hurt so much one day, Lou. I promise.”

                Thick tears well up in his eyes.

                _It won’t hurt so much one day._

                God, Louis hopes that’s true. He really fucking does.

~~~

December 2016—Doncaster

Louis’ on his fourth attempt at tying his tie when a knock comes on the door.

Eleanor’s presence is in Louis’ mirror. He flashes a tiny smile at her, before his gaze goes back to the fucked up tie. Eventually he groans and gives up, throwing his hands up in the air and coaxing a small laugh out of Eleanor.

“Here,” she says, and comes up to Louis. She sighs as she takes both ends of his tie, “You always were so daft at tying your own ties.”

“And somehow you’re aces at it,” Louis says. His eyes are watching Eleanor’s as they concentrate on her handiwork. He awkwardly tells her, “You look nice.”

Eleanor flashes a tiny smile, “Black is my color,” she sighs and then frowns as she looks up to Louis, “I wish I was wearing it for different reasons, Lou.”

“Me too,” Louis agrees. But still, Eleanor always looks pretty. She just naturally is. But Louis’ always loved her in dresses. She doesn’t wear them that often, just like Louis doesn’t get dressed up all the time either. But when she does, Eleanor’s truly a vision. She also has her hair done up in some sort of part-up and part down look and has very little make up on.

Louis can’t ignore the way his heart skips a beat when Eleanor finishes knotting his tie up and her hands smooth out the top of his dress shirt. She seems to look at Louis’ chest longer then she ought to, but Louis doesn’t stop her. He should, but he doesn’t want to. He’ll take any touches Eleanor’s willing to give him.

After a second, Eleanor retracts her hands quickly and sheepishly looks up at Louis. She doesn’t apologize for her actions, and Louis’ is glad she doesn’t.

“Thanks,” Louis mumbles.

Eleanor nods stiffly and reaches over for Louis’ suit jacket. He slips it on and gives himself a final look in the mirror. He honestly doesn’t care how he looks; it’s not gonna make a lick of difference to him. He’s still gonna go into that church and see his mum’s white casket. He’s gonna hear and watch his sisters cry and there will be nothing he can do to comfort them. He’ll stand there in the cemetery and watch his mum be lowered into the ground for her final resting spot. He doesn’t give a damn about what he looks like, but he still feels weirdly obligated to look good for his mum.

“You got this,” Eleanor reminds him of his mantra for months now. But Louis couldn’t disagree any more. He’s barely grasping onto anything at this point. Louis just wants to stay in bed for days and be swallowed whole by his sheets.

But for the sake of his family and for El’s sake, he’ll keep pushing on.

~~~

                The thing with Danielle is, she tries so fucking hard.

                Since day one of Jay’s diagnosis, she’s been nothing but compassionate towards Louis. She’s been at his side in LA practically every day she didn’t have a gig. Danielle happily went along with him whenever the anxiety got too high for Louis and he needed to escape somewhere. She always checked in on him, asked him questions to get him to talk about what he was feeling, and was overly generous with hugs, kisses and sex just to ease his mind.

                Danielle’s a great girl, she really is.

                That’s when she packs her bags two days after the funeral, Louis doesn’t stop her. Danielle was so nice to Louis when she broke up with him, so bloody nice. She kept saying she was sorry, when Louis should’ve been apologizing to her. She insisted that maybe one day, they could get back together when the time was right or whatever.

                Louis knew as he watched Danielle walk out the door with all her things, only leaving behind the gifts she got for his sisters for Christmas, that he was never going to see her again.

                Later that night, Louis finds himself still awake at two in the morning. He gives up on any chances of him being able to sleep and heads downstairs for a cuppa and to kill some late morning hours with FIFA. It’s hauntingly quiet at this hour in the house, and Louis’ happy that his siblings seem to be getting some sleep at least. They seem to be handling this much better than he is.

                When he goes closer to the kitchen, Louis hears some rattling going on. When he rounds the corner, he finds Eleanor alone in the kitchen with mixing bowls and ingredients at the counter and flour in her hair. Louis just watches, slightly stunned, as Eleanor mutters to herself as she reads off a recipe and follows the instructions. She gasps a little as she mixes the ingredients all together and a some of the mix flies out of the bowl and lands on the counter.

                Her shocked expression makes Louis laugh a little.

                He hasn’t laughed in ages it feels like.

                Eleanor frowns as she looks up at him, but her lips soon smile.

                “Making Christmas biscuits fucking sucks,” she states.

                Louis asks as he comes up to her, “Why are you making Christmas biscuits?”

                “Because,” she sighs, and starts mixing again, “Christmas is in a few days and this place needs some Christmas cheer.”

                Louis disagrees. He knows they should have Christmas still, especially for the young twins’ sake. He just doesn’t know how they could go about having a normal Christmas after all the shit they’ve been through these last few months. How can he or anyone in his family be merry Christmas morning without their mum? Jay always made Louis’ birthday and Christmas into a big affair, with tons of presents for each kid and a whole feast for Christmas supper. How was it going to be the same? Louis’ never spent Christmas or his birthday without his mum before, and he didn’t even think it was possible to have a spectacular Christmas without his mum.

                Eleanor looks over to Louis and sighs, “She would have wanted you all to have Christmas, Lou.”

                “It’s…not going to be the same.”

                “Of course, it won’t,” Eleanor agrees softly, “It’ll never be exactly the same without Jay. But that’s how life goes—things change all the time, for better or worse. This will be the first Christmas without your mum, but this will also be Freddie’s first Christmas.”

                Louis’ eyes widened, “Shit, you’re right.” Eleanor gives him a sad smile.

                “We have to make this Christmas perfect for the little lad, yeah? Jay would’ve gone all out for him, so we’re gonna have to do her job now.” And fuck, Eleanor’s right, as usual.

                “Can I help?” Louis finds himself saying. Eleanor grins and hands him a rolling pin.

                Making cookies is a lot of work, it turns out. The dough is sticky and cling to the rolling pin and Louis’ fingers. He’s never been good at cooking or baking. Eleanor’s certainly better at it then he is, but she would also admit she’s not the best. But Louis thinks it’s sweet of her to go out of her way to bake cookies for his family, just to making them smile.

                Once the cookies are cut into Christmas trees, snowmen, candy canes and stars, and in the over, Louis finds himself sitting on the kitchen floor next to Eleanor. Both are a mess, with dough on their faces and flour on their pjs, but it’s oddly nice. They sip on tea and wait for the cookies to bake.

                “So,” Eleanor begins softly, “You and Danielle broke up?”

                Louis felt his heart rate pick up, “Yeah. I mean, it was a mutual decision for the most part.”

                “How so?”

                Louis shrugs, “I…can’t be a relationship. Just, after everything that happened, I need to fucking figure out so much shit. I can barely keep myself together, and I can’t be a good partner to anyone right now. I can’t even properly look out for my own sisters.”

                “Lou,” Eleanor chides, her hand rubbing his should soothingly, “You’re being so hard on yourself. You’re grieving—give yourself time to heal.”

                Louis shrugs, “Still, Dani told me that she wanted a break, and I felt so fucking relieved. I shouldn’t have, I should be sad but I’m not. I…knew for a long time we weren’t right for each other.”

                A hesitant, and almost hopeful, “Yeah?” comes from Eleanor. Louis nearly misses it, but he notices it.

                “Yeah,” he confirms, “She’s—great. Anybody would be lucky to have her. But, even before mum got sick I…I just kinda knew weren’t going to have a serious relationship. Our personalities are too similar, and I dunno—it just felt like we were friends who fucked sometimes then being in an actual relationship. It was only supposed to be for fun, we both agreed to that.

“But then when mum got sick, it changed everything, obviously. Dani tried to stick it out and be with me, but it was just really hard. She wasn’t expecting this, and I don’t blame her. She was there for me to cheer me up, but I couldn’t give much back to her in return. I didn’t want to seem like a dick and break up with her after all she’s been through with me. In the end, she realized what I always knew, that we weren’t meant to last.”

“Why, though?” Eleanor asks.

Louis shrugs his shoulders, “Because we just weren’t good together.”

“But she’s nice,” she retorts for some reasons, “And, you two looked good together.”

Louis just stares at her, confused as to why Eleanor was pushing this so much.

“We weren’t right for each other,” he insists again, this time more firmly.

But Eleanor shakes her head, “But—”                               

“Because she’s not you!” Louis snaps, shocking himself and Eleanor in the process. God, she doesn’t say anything for a moment as the words settle. Finally Louis sighs and explains himself, “I-I tried moving on from you for nearly two year now, Els. I fucked about, partied all the time to try and became someone I no longer recognized to try and forget about you. But I couldn’t, no matter what was going on I always thought of you, Els.”

Eleanor exhales, surprised, “Lou.” He scoffs a little, fondly, because how could she have not known this?

“When my mum got diagnosed, why do you think I called you before I called Danielle?”

“You…what?” she replies dumbly.

Louis tells her simply, “Because I wanted you El, I really needed you. All these months, I’ve come to you for advice and help, no one else.”

“So,” she says finally, “You…still love me?”

“Yes,” Louis says surely.

Eleanor nods and processes this before saying, “More than just as a friend?” Louis feels the corner of his lip draw up at her unsure voice. He reaches out and tucks her hair behind her ear, his eyes never leaving hers.

“I love you, Els,” he states, smiling a bit with relief for saying finally, “I only want you, need you.”

Eleanor kisses him then, swift and confident. Suddenly, it’s like time has gone backwards and they’re still together because damn nothing has change. Her lips feel the same as they did before, and that spark—that addicting spark that Louis has craved and searched for so long in other women is still there, and just as vibrant.

For so long he felt empty and stale. Now, with Eleanor breathing against his lips, Louis’ never felt more alive.

And then the timer goes off for the biscuits.

They separate, both flushed in their cheeks. Louis wants to smirk at Eleanor’s adorable doe eyed expression. She gets up quickly and turns off the timer. Louis’ up on his feet when Eleanor’s getting the hot trays out of the oven and setting them on the counter. She turns off the oven, and Louis’ right behind her.

He presses her up against the counter, kissing her fiercely once again. Eleanor whimpers against his lips, and Louis can’t help but feel a bit prideful. It’s addicting, purely addicting kissing her again. Mindlessly, they’re touching each other’s bodies in the same way they used to all those years ago. The feeling of Eleanor’s warm arms on gripping his forearms, and the sugary taste of her tongue makes Louis’ mind grow fuzzy.

For the first time in ages, Louis feels alive.

But Eleanor’s breathless, “Louis, wait,” comes clear as day, and it brings a painful twist to Louis’ gut. When he pulls back, he finds a worried Eleanor looking at him, but her eyes keep darting back to his lips longingly. Her hands are on his chest now, her palms flat over where Louis’ heart is beating rapidly.

“What’s wrong?” he asks confused, and Eleanor scoffs.

“Fuck Lou,” she says, “Did you really ask that?”

Louis backs away from, suddenly wanting distance between them. He can’t help but feel hurt.

“Did you,” he begins, but swallows thickly, “Did you not want to do that?”

Eleanor shakes her head, her eyes screwed shut, “God, of course I did, Lou! I’ve been thinking about it for months.” Louis’ heart flips in his chest.

                “Then why—” he begins, confused. But Eleanor speaks up.

                “But you just fucking got out of a relationship,” she reminds, “You said so yourself that you’re not in a good place to be in a relationship right now anyway, Louis. And you’re right, you shouldn’t be in one right now. Grieving healthily with your family should be your priority, and then you need to figure out how to move on from all this shit and live a happy life.”

                Louis just watches for her a moment. The hard lines on Eleanor’s face breaks and she gives him a soft smile. She reaches for his hand and takes it with a gentle touch.

                “You need to be able to take care of yourself right now—that should be what you focus on,” she says and then adds, “You shouldn’t have anyone in your way of that, especially me.”

                “El,” Louis sighs, shaking his head, “You’re not in the way at all. You-I couldn’t have gone through these last few months without you, Els.”

                Eleanor sniffles as she nods, and then says lowly, “That’s what scares me Lou—that you think you need me in order to function. And that makes me be in the way of your healing, Lou, because you don’t think you’re strong enough to get through this without me.”

                Louis shakes his head, “I-I’m not, though,” he insists weakly. Eleanor shakes her head and squeezes his palm.

                “You are!” she laments, “You’re so strong and none of that is because of me, Lou! I just—I worry that you only want to be with me now because you think you can’t live without me. And that’s, that’s just not fucking fair to either of us, Louis.”

                “Els,” he exhales, brokenly, “That’s not—I want you so much Els. I always have for the last two years. I never stopped loving you.”

                Eleanor gives him a tiny smile, “I wish I could believe Lou, but I can’t.”

                “El, please,” he begs.

                “You said so yourself you’re not in the right place for a relationship right now,” she reminds him, “and I have to agree. You need to just focus on yourself Louis and getting out of bed and eating actual meals and taking care of yourself first. You’re so depressed Lou, that you barely leave your room. I have to make you eat small bites here and there. I have to start your showers for you because you won’t take one if I don’t start it for you.”

                Louis just sighs as a response, unable to look at her.

                “I want you, Louis,” Eleanor tells him earnestly. Louis’ chest flutters at this confession, “All I’ve wanted was to get you back.”

                Louis’ chest swells up, “You, really? Even after everything that’s happened?”

                “I never stopped loving you Louis,” she confesses, and that sentence warms Louis’ body. Eleanor goes on, “But then, my dumb pride got in the way of reaching out to you. And then shit just kept happening and I—it never felt right to get back together.”

                Eleanor smiles sadly as she strokes his cheek, “It’s still not the best time for us to be together, Lou.”

                Louis shakes his head stubbornly.

                “It’s not,” she insists, “You need to get better Lou. You need to heal on your own, without me.”

                “Why?” he begs, and doesn’t add, _‘why are you doing this to me?’_

                Eleanor sighs, “Because you think I’m your saving grace, that you can’t function without me. That’s not a healthy reason for us to be together. You need to remind yourself how wonderful you are on your own. And selfishly, I want to feel more wanted then needed, Lou. I need to know for sure that if and when we get back together that it’s because we’re in the right place, and because we know we don’t want or need anyone else.”

                Louis knows she’s right, but fuck. Eleanor wants to get back together with him. He still can’t seem to wrap his head around that idea. He thought he fucked up everything for good with her a long time ago but.

                Eleanor wants to be with him. She never stopped loving him.

                “El,” he whispers thickly.

                The love of his life just smiles softly, “You have a lot of shit to get through and figure out on your own, Lou. I’m not helping you as much as you think I am.”

                “No,” Louis retorts, his head shaking, “No—you. El, you’re fucking amazing—”

                “I’m not going anywhere,” she says, but then quickly adds, “Well, I mean metaphorically I guess. I think I’ve over stayed my welcome, plus my mum’s been bugging me for weeks to come back home for Christmas.”

                Louis exhales her name again, “El,” because that’s all he can think or say.

                Eleanor brushes the hair out of his eyes, “But I’ll wait for you, Louis. I’ve waited two years for you, I can wait a little longer.”

                “H-How long?” Louis rushes out. Eleanor grins as she thumbs his cheek.

                “Let’s not rush into anything just yet, okay?” she says. Louis feels a pit in his stomach, but Eleanor’s assuring smile eases him a little, “How about a month, okay? We’ll get together, talk again—”

                Louis groans playfully, “Ugh, more talking?”

                Eleanor gently pinches his cheek.

                “Yes, more talking you twat,” she states, “So does a month sound good? Before you go back to LA for Freddie’s birthday? We’ll see where you are and if you feel like you’re in a better place.”

                “A whole month without seeing you?” Louis says, and then bites his lip. That sounds like a fucking nightmare for him.

                Eleanor smirks, her eyes softly looking at him, “If you really need me, I’ll come back Lou. But, like I said, I think it’s best if we spend some time a part for a little bit, so we can figure out our relationship on our own. Then we’ll come back and see if we’re on the same page, and in a good place okay?”

                Louis wants to say no, wants to tell Eleanor that he loves her, and she can’t leave him again because he’s certain he won’t make it. But he can’t keep Eleanor here, not when it’s clear she thinks this is for the best.

                “Okay,” he gives in weakly. Eleanor gives him a sad smile and pulls him in for a tiny kiss on the edge of his lips. It leaves him in a shuttering mess.

                “I love you, Louis,” she says, “I really do, and I don’t want to leave again. But this time, it won’t be for long. Just as long as you need to start healing on your own.”

                Hours later, Eleanor says goodbye to his family, giving them all little early Christmas gifts. She leaves Louis with a comforting hug before walking out of the house. Louis watches the car pull out the driveway and instantly, the assuredness Louis feels whenever Eleanor is around is now gone.

~~~

Christmas Day 2016—Doncaster 

                There’s tears on Christmas day at the Tomlinson-Deakin household.

It would be unfair to not address their mum’s absence. So they take about their favorite Christmas memories of her, and add little comments about how different it is without mum. They all cry when Dan’s sister gives Louis and all his siblings framed pictures of their mum. It’s hard for Louis to look at pictures of his mum and know that he’ll never hug her again or get good advice from her or just talk to her for hours about everything. It’s painful that he only has memories and smiles of his mum frozen in photographs.

                But.

                There’s also lots of laughter too.

                The past couple of days since Eleanor left had been incredibly hard. He wanted nothing more then to wallow in his bed all day, but he doesn’t. Christmas keeps him busy, with wrapping up the last few presents for his siblings and finishing decorating the house. His sisters helped him decorate the tree and no, it doesn’t look anything at all like how their mum used to decorate their Christmas tree. But on Christmas morning, with all the lights on and the presents stacked high around the base of it, Louis thinks it’s perfect.  

                In the afternoon, Briana drops off Freddie at the house. Louis gives his son a few kisses before his sisters flock over to him, and steal the boy away from him. They all fawn over the him and lead him over to his presents. Freddie manages to unwrap some of his presents and gets patches of wrapping paper stuck on his chubby legs. He looks damn good in the Donny Rovers jersey Louis got for him too, and he can’t help but beam with proud at his boy. All his sisters take turns caring for Freddie, making him go into crazy fits of laughter with endless tickles and goofy faces. Louis can’t thank Briana enough for allowing Freddie to stay for most of the day and to spend the night.

                It’s a nice Christmas, with small moments of realization that someone very dear to them all isn’t here celebrating with them.

                Later that night, when Louis has gotten Freddie down for bed and he’s nearly dozing off in the middle of some Christmas movie, when his phone chimes. He squints down at it and his heart races when he sees Eleanor sent him a text. They haven’t had any contact in days and it’s been weird as fuck. He jumbles his phone in haste but manages to open the text up.

                _‘Hi Louis! Happy belated birthday and Merry Christmas! I know it must have been hard these last few days, but I hope you had a wonderful birthday and Christmas full of happiness. I hope you’re well, Lou, I really do. Send my love to the rest of your family, and have a fun, and safe New Year!’_

Louis reads the text over and over again until the words blur together, and count downs the days until he sees Eleanor again.

~~~

January 2017—Doncaster 

                He’s done some research on mental health, on moving on from dramatic life events and how to grieve properly.

                Drinking himself into a stooped is apparently not the best way to heal. He learned this firsthand in the months after Eleanor left him, when he partied excessively and tried to drown his sadness in tall glasses of pints. Louis realized quickly that alcohol wasn’t the answer this time around after his X-Factor performance but tried again on New Year’s Eve. He got smashed with his mates and didn’t even felt any sort of happiness with his buzz. He woke up the next day with a splitting headache to find that his problems were still there, that his mum was gone, and his depression was very much still real.

                Sleeping is also not the answer, though Louis spends the first few days of January trying to convince himself and the damn articles otherwise. He spent nearly all day in bed, only getting up to use the loo and nibble on some food his nan made for him. This works for a few days, but Louis didn’t like the isolation. He hated being away from his family and being alone made his own feelings feel worse.

                So, after a few days on his own, Louis begins giving himself small tasks to complete once a day.

                He starts talking to his sisters earnestly, freely talking about his mum for the first time since her death. It brings a lot of tears, but also so much relief too. He promises them all that they will be okay, and that they will get through this no matter what.

                Louis takes Doris and Earnest to the playground on nice days and play footie with his Oli whenever he can. Louis vows to eat on meal a day, snacking throughout, and tries to shower every other day. He also starts writing, writing little letters to his mum and Eleanor that no one will see. He works on some lines and flirts with the idea of piecing together a solo album of his own like the rest of the boys in the band are working on. He mentally tries to prepare himself for performances he’s set to do with Steve Aoki for their single.

                Eleanor doesn’t text him much, but sometimes drops a quick message here and there to wish him well. Louis wants to hear her voice, and dreams of kissing her at night. He’s beginning to understand why they’re apart. Now he knows he can make himself do the things he has to do to start some sort of life after all this shit. But he knows he wants Eleanor to be a part of his new life.

                He’s not in a good place. But he’s a better place.

                He’s not happy, but he wants to be, and he’s trying to hard to be.

                Hopefully that’ll be enough for Eleanor.

~~~

January 2017—London

                The rain drops falling on Louis’ are half frozen and leave a bitter cold sting on his cheeks.

                He’s been standing outside of Eleanor’s flat for nearly ten minutes. She’s expecting him and is probably waiting for him to come but he can’t bring himself to ring her flat. He’s anxious, so fucking anxious. He’s gone over everything he needs to say to her, but it still is nerve-wracking. What if Eleanor’s changed her mind? What if she came to realize she didn’t want him anymore?

                The cold gets to Louis. He shakes the last thoughts out of his head and rings her flat. Eleanor buzzes him in without asking who he is on the intercom. Louis’ chest thuds against his ribs as he goes up to her floor. By the time he reaches her door, Louis’ hands are shaking, and his throat is inching for a cigarette. He knocks on her door softly, and within a minute it’s opened in a hastened furry.

                In this last month, Louis yearned for Eleanor harder then he had in the past two years.

                Seeing her again, with a shy smile and gorgeous brown eyes full of light and happiness, takes Louis’ breath away.

                “Hi Lou,” she greets him, and hesitates before pulling him into a hug. She’s so warm and soft in her cozy jumper. Louis just wants to hold onto her and never let go.

                A familiar bark comes from behind Eleanor. Louis lifts his head from where he tucked it into her neck and sees a mound of golden fur and floppy ears, his tail high and wagging and his tongue out while he pants happily.

                “Bruce!” he beams. Eleanor chuckles and breaks the hug.

                “Yeah,” she says and lets Louis step inside. He closes the door behind him as Eleanor says, “Bruce-y, come here boy! Come on.”

                The Goldendoodle comes up to them but keeps his eyes on Louis. He preens under Louis’ hand as he strokes the dog behind Bruce’s ear.

                “Think he remembers me?” Louis asks.

                Eleanor laughs fondly at her dog in his state, “I think he does. Come on, I made us some tea to warm you up. It’s nasty out there. You can take your shoes by the door and take your coat off if you like.”

                Louis slips his shoes off and hangs his jacket on the coat rack next to the door. Eleanor’s flat is simple, yet sleek with natural light floors and all white walls. There are pictures on the walls, with Eleanor and her friends or her with Bruce. In each one, she boasts her lovely wide smile and her eyes are shining. They’re more recent pictures of Eleanor, ones that he’s never seen before. She should always be that happy, the kind of happiness that radiates through a person and is clear to everyone around them.

                When Eleanor comes up to him with teacups in both hands, Louis turns to her and blurts out.

                “I’m not happy, Els,” he says bluntly, “I’m—not anywhere fucking close to being happy. I’m trying Els, I’m really trying but it’s so hard and I just feel so angry and sad all the time. I-I dunno if I can be enough for you, Els. I dunno if I can make you happy if I’m so fucked up.”

                Eleanor just stares at him for a bit, and Louis wishes to know what she’s thinking.

                Then.

                “Louis,” she sighs, “Lets sit down, okay?”

                She leads them over to her couch and Bruce dutifully follows them. Louis smiles sadly as he pets Bruce again, unable to look at Eleanor.

                “Can you look at me, Lou? Please?” Eleanor pleads softly a moment later, and Louis can’t deny her this. He looks over at her, and she gives him a kind smile, “Lou, I knew you’re not healed, and I don’t expect you will be for a long time.”

                Louis nods mutely, agreeing with her.

                “But Lou,” she smiles, and reaches for his hand. Her palm is almost hot from the tea, and so very soft and soothing, “I can see how better you are.”

                Louis frowns, and blinks slowly as he pieces this all together, “Really?” Eleanor nods.

                “You look better, more well rested,” she informs him, “And I can tell you’re taking care of yourself. Lottie told me you’re making goals every day for yourself, and that’s a great start Louis.”

                “You’ve been talking to Lottie about me?” he asks, stunned.

                Eleanor smiles sheepishly, “It turns out trying to cut you out completely of my life again was really fucking hard, Lou. I thought about you every day, and your family as well. So I checked in with Lottie from time to time.”

                Louis nods, trying desperately to not be too eager by Eleanor’s words.

                “I’m sorry,” he says instead.

                Eleanor cocks an eyebrow at him, “For still grieving over the loss of your mum?”

                “For not having my shit together by now,” Louis says instead and Eleanor exhales.

                “Louis, you didn’t need to figure out how you’re going to move on in a month’s time, not after everything you’ve been through,” she explains, giving Louis’ hand a squeeze, “You just needed time on your own to grieve and to begin your healing process. I think we both benefitted from being on our own for a few weeks to figure out what we want.”

                And here goes nothing, Louis thinks.

                “I know I can work through my shit on my own,” Louis states, “but, I just—I realized a lot over the last month. Most of all, I learned throughout this whole thing that life is really fucking short. A year ago, my mum was fine and now she’s gone. I learned that I need to make these moments count, that I need to be with the people I want to share my life with most.”

                Louis exhales, his body feeling jittery as he looks at Eleanor and confesses truthfully.

                “I want to share my life with you, Els. You’ve been there for me when I needed you most, and I want to be there for you for the good and the bad. I’ll never forgive myself for all the mistakes I’ve made in the past, and for hurting you so fucking much. But, if you’ll let me, I’ll show you how much I’ve changed over the last two years. I’ll show you how much you mean to me, and I’ll do everything in my power to show you how much I love you Els. I’ve changed so fucking much over the years, but my feelings for you have never changed.

It’s just—I knew since I was nineteen that you were the one for me, you’ve always been the one for me. And I’ve wasted two years being apart from you, knowing no one else in the world compares to you. I don’t—can’t spend anymore time apart from you. You are my soulmate Els, I truly believe that in my heart we’re supposed to be together, forever. I hope you feel the same way about me too, Els. Because I know we had a lot of shitty times together, but we had way more incredible memories together. We work so well together and I know there’s no one else out there for you me, Els.”

He feels a bit breathless by the time he finishes and feels flushed on his cheeks. Eleanor just eyes him closely and more then anything, Louis wants to kiss. He wants to show her how much she means to him. But he keeps himself painfully still, afraid to move or do anything to fuck this all up.

And then, a dazzling smile stretches across Eleanor’s lips.

“God, I love you, Louis,” she exhales, her gaze dropping to his lips, “so fucking much.”

Eleanor loves him.

He’s thought about this for weeks, but he still can’t get over it. It feels like they’re starting over again, and in so many ways they are. But at the same time, it’s like Louis’ coming home for the first time in years.

“Fuck,” he sighs, nearly whining. His own eyes are on Eleanor’s lips, “Can I—”

“Just shut up and kiss me,” Eleanor rushes out before swiftly moving in, kissing Louis with vigor.

It does feel like coming home again.

                And just like that, the world begins again. 

~~~

September 2017—Los Angeles    

                Eleanor finishes making lunch for the three of them.

                She can hear Louis bantering with Freddie in the other room, and her chest bursts at Freddie’s high pitch laughter echoing off the walls.

                It’s funny, Eleanor thinks, how much life can change in the course of a, few years.

                This time two years ago, Eleanor was still heartbroken over losing the love of her life. She was still trying to accept the fact that the love of her life had father a child with another woman. She tried to move on from him, but never even came close.

                This time last year, Eleanor watched helplessly as the love of her life went through the most difficult time of his life. She watched the man who seemed to be made of endless sunshine become depressed and worn impossibly thin. He was broken, and all Eleanor could do was be there for him and hope he would realize his own strength to overcome everything he was going through.

                Now though, as Eleanor goes into the family room to call her boys to lunch, now she finds the love of her life twirling his beautiful son around in circle. Freddie’s laugh is contagious, so pure and bright. He boasts the same natural bubbliness and energy as his dad, and the two of them wearing wide smiles and dazzling blue eyes nearly brings Eleanor to tears.

                They took things slow in the first few months, becoming reacquainted with each other again like they did the first time they started dating. Over time those same intense feelings came back, and Eleanor swears it feels the same as it did when they were nineteen.

                But it’s not the same. She’s different now, and so is Louis.

                But their love for each other has only become stronger.

Louis still has bad days. He has days where he sleeps all day with the blinds drawn and barely eats a thing. He still has days where Eleanor catches him crying in the shower. He has these fleeting moments where he confesses to her, _“I miss mum so fucking much, Els.”_ Eleanor knows when to encourage Louis and when to just let him grieve. She knows when Louis is moody and says shit he doesn’t mean, that he just needs to be alone for a bit, so she keeps herself busy but nearby if he needs her.

But Louis is a fighter and seems to realize how strong he truly is now. He doesn’t stay in these spells for too long thankfully, and there are more good days like today, where Louis is nothing but happiness and joy. He’s still healing, taking it day by day, and Eleanor’s more then happy to be there for him whatever he needs. She’s just glad to see him smiling again, and that he still wants her.

                Louis stops spinning around and catches his balance. He spots Eleanor and grins at her while Freddie pulls himself farther up on Louis’ back. Eleanor giggles as the young boy pulls on his dad’s hair, making Louis yelp out.

                “Is lunch ready?” Louis asks and nods his head back at his hyped-up son, “I think this little monster is hungry.”

                “Cookie!” Freddie squeals, his hands hammer on Louis’ head.

                Eleanor responds, knowing Louis will be too soft on the boy, “First you need to finish your lunch, Freddie. And then we’ll see about cookies okay?” She goes to pick Freddie up off Louis. Freddie just pouts.

                “No fair Elf,” he says, and God. This boy has Eleanor’s heart in her hand.

                Louis tries to explain to him again, “Freddie, this is El. Can you say El?”

                “Elf,” Freddie says, his face adorably confused and looking up at Eleanor.

                She doesn’t mind the nickname, not one bit.

                As Freddie munches on his sandwich and throws half of his grapes on the floor, Louis and Eleanor hold hands on the table. When Freddie half have of his lunch on his face and declares himself full, Louis cleans up the table and plates while Eleanor wipes off Freddie and finds a new shirt for him. To settle to lad for a nap, they let Freddie watch a couple episodes of Paw Patrol while Louis cuddles up with Eleanor on the couch.

                The once energetic toddler running about the room suddenly grows very sleepy. Within minutes of the third episode, Freddie has plopped down on the ground. He’s out in no time, and Louis and Eleanor share a laugh at Freddie’s cute little snoring sounds he makes against the carpet. He doesn’t wake up at all when Louis picks him up from the ground and leads the way to his room. Eleanor kisses the sleeping boy on the head once he’s tucked in his bed, and Louis does the same thing.

                The two of them sprawl out on the couch, with Louis wrapping his arms securely around Eleanor from behind. The lazily watch a Marvel movie that Eleanor’s disinterested in, and she’s nearly half asleep when she hears Louis confess in a low whisper against her ear.

                “I could hold you forever,” he says simply, and Eleanor can hear the smile in his voice. He kisses the shell of her ear, and Eleanor’s brush grows across her face. The ‘E’ tattooed on Louis’ left hand catches Eleanor’s eyes. She knows that forever comes with the possibility of bad days, of more fights and tears and so much uncertainty. Forever doesn’t promise perfection, and is doesn’t mean that there won’t be any pain with it.

                But, forever also includes more cuddles on the couch with Louis. Forever means more bedtime stories with Freddie, and a whole heap of new adventures with the lad when he grows up. Forever means getting a ring on her finger where a cursive ‘L’ is already tattooed on there. Forever means adding on more kids, giving Freddie younger brothers and sisters and watching them all become friends. Forever means having Louis for as long as she can.

                Forever sounds perfect.

 

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS!   
> **PLEASE LEAVE NICE COMMENTS AND KUDOS! THANK YOU!!**   
> Follow me at TeaTimeTommo on tumblr! *Here's the Fic rec for it on Tumblr! PLEASE LIKE AND REBLOG IT THANK YOU!*  
> I'll probably work on L&L for a bit. I also have other Elounor fics in mind..... so stay tuned! ;))   
> Take care my loves! :)


End file.
